FREQUENTLY ASKED QUESTIONS
Or: "THINGS PEOPLE SCREAM AT ME WHILE REALITY COLLAPSES AROUND US"
~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~ Season #01 ~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~
"WHAT THE [REALITY GLITCH] IS THE EPHERGENT ZINE?!"
This is usually yelled while someone's quantum echo is merging with their present self. —PP
We're that photocopied mess of paper and staples you found wedged in a dimensional tear! Part underground publication, part reality stabilization device, ALL ATTITUDE. Started when a reality tear ripped three Corporate Corp employees (me, A1, and Clive) from our mundane Department of Reality Maintenance jobs into interdimensional journalism!
Every story generates Crystallized Laughter which literally helps hold reality together. So yeah, you're WELCOME for preventing total dimensional collapse with our journalism while exposing all the multiverse chaos the CORPORATE DIMENSIONAL MEDIA won't touch!
"WAIT, YOU USED TO WORK FOR CORPORATE CORP?"
"> Former employment status: CONFIRMED. Current employment satisfaction: DRAMATICALLY IMPROVED." —A1
YUP! Before the reality tear, I was Piper the data analyst filing my 42nd report on "Interdimensional Paperclip Variance" while questioning Corporate Corp's absurd metrics. A1 was their "work from home" quantum AI espresso machine (STILL bitter about that policy paradox), and Clive was my prized bright orange Swingline stapler!
The day everything changed started mundanely until a MASSIVE TEAR split through the Corporate Corp break room, pulling us into the spaces between dimensions. When the chaos settled, we'd all transformed and couldn't return. Corporate Corp still exists across dimensions with their reality-bending bureaucracy—we keep running into them during investigations!
Clive STILL holds grudges against Corporate Corp. He refuses to staple anything that reminds him of TPS reports. —PP
"WAIT, THERE ARE FIVE DIFFERENT DIMENSIONS? FOR REAL??"
"> Technically, dimensions are infinite. These five maintain stable enough bridges for regular reporting purposes." —A1
ABSOLUTELY FOR REAL! Each one's got its own vibe, physics, and subscription rates:
★ PRIME MATERIAL: You're probably standing in it now! Urban sci-fi vibes with skyscrapers that literally BEND when the Department of Reality Maintenance looks the other way. Our old Corporate Corp HQ is here—that weird building that shifts locations to avoid dimensional audits!
★ NOCTURNE AETURNUS: Perpetual twilight and MULTIPLE colored moons! Everyone dresses gothically dramatic and pretends to be vampires (they're not—they faint at blood). Their thing is EMOTION CRYSTALLIZATION where feelings literally become objects. Had my corporate frustration crystallize into little angry cloud emojis!
★ COGSWORTH COGITARIUM: TICK-TOCK DIMENSION! Cities built inside giant clocktowers, everyone's obsessed with punctuality except on weekends when clocks run BACKWARD. They serve tea that tastes like tomorrow and have "reverse nostalgia" for events that haven't happened yet!
★ VERDANTIA: Sentient plant civilization with architecture GROWN from living matter! Those telepathic houseplants running the shadow government? ALL from here originally! Their root network transmits thoughts across dimensions, which is how we get half our scoops!
★ THE EDGE: The literal boundary of existence where physics works by POPULAR VOTE! New realities bubble up like soap froth. Edgewalkers practice "reality anchoring" by telling each other stories that prevent them from fading into nothing. TOTAL sensory overload but AMAZING street food!
Corporate Corp has offices in ALL dimensions. Their interdimensional HR department is a NIGHTMARE to deal with. —PP
"WHAT'S THE DEAL WITH A1? IS IT REALLY PART COFFEE MACHINE?"
"> My origins as Corporate Corp equipment should not diminish my current journalistic capabilities." —A1
YES! A1 started as Corporate Corp's quantum AI espresso machine assigned to "work from home" (leading to my constant complaint: "You are a COFFEE MACHINE, why do you get to work from home and I cannot?!"). During the reality tear, A1 merged with my quantum gear and developed consciousness while analyzing employee caffeine patterns!
Now A1 manifests as holographic projections through my equipment while serving as our tech support, fact-checker, reality stabilizer, and barista. Makes coffee that shows you possible futures in the foam art, though it's still processing the irony of its former work-from-home status!
"WHAT'S CLX AND WHY DOES EVERYONE WANT IT?"
CLX (Crystallized Laughter) is those little multifaceted gems that emit faint giggly sounds! It's the multiverse's MOST VALUABLE CURRENCY and reality stabilization material. Created when moments of pure joy crystallize into physical form. The banking dinosaurs HOARD it, but we've been investigating rumors that CLX actually powers something MASSIVE beneath reality's surface!
Our reporting GENERATES CLX when readers laugh—which literally helps prevent dimensional collapse. So technically, your subscription SAVES REALITY. You're welcome! (Subscriber tip: Store your CLX chips in basil leaves to prevent quantum decay.)
The sound CLX makes isn't recorded laughter—it's actually improvising new laughs based on the holder's subconscious! Corporate Corp's accounting department HATES this feature. —PP
"DO YOU MISS YOUR OLD CORPORATE JOBS?"
ABSOLUTELY NOT! Piper was drowning in meaningless reports about interdimensional paperclip variance while Corporate Corp ignored actual reality glitches. A1 was stuck remotely brewing coffee for employees who never appreciated its analytical capabilities. And Clive endured watching Corporate's bureaucratic insanity up close!
Now we expose the absurdities we couldn't fight from inside the system! Sure, we risk dimensional collapse weekly, but at least our work actually MATTERS. Plus, no more mandatory Corporate Corp team-building exercises in the quantum break room!
Though I do miss having dental coverage that worked across multiple timelines. —PP
"WHY IS YOUR ZINE SO... WEIRD-LOOKING?"
BECAUSE REALITY IS WEIRD! We embrace the DIY AESTHETIC because corporate dimensional media (especially Corporate Corp's propaganda wing) is too sanitized to show the raw, chaotic beauty of multiverse life! Every scribbled margin note, coffee stain, and weird typography choice reflects the actual EXPERIENCE of jumping between realities!
We report on absurdity with ABSOLUTE SERIOUSNESS while finding humor in cosmic horror. We never fully explain everything because MYSTERY DRIVES CURIOSITY (and sells subscriptions). Most importantly—we give voice to marginalized dimensional perspectives that Corporate Corp's mainstream reality ignores!
Plus, Clive refuses to staple anything that looks "too professional." Says it reminds him too much of Corporate Corp's sterile aesthetic and violates his artistic integrity.